1. Damian Barrett
Sometimes, it's time to take one for the team.
Our old friend Barrett, who tried, and hilariously failed, to make Jack Viney AFL public enemy #1, is not a big fan of the Dees.
Any chance to give us a quick, cowardly kick and he's front of the queue.
But what if we made him coach...
Sure, he clearly knows little about the game, but at least we wouldn't have to put up with his one-eyed Dees slagging every week.
And while the image of Barrett in a Dees polo would leave a taste like a French kiss from Todd Carney after a night out, I'm sure Jack Viney would go lightly on the 'journalist' if he got involved in 'bracing' practice.
2. Leon Cameron
It's the Dom Tyson clause: ''If all else fails... Get someone from GWS.''
Rumours this month have linked us to every GWS player - bar one notably well-paid exception - from Jeremy Cameron to Dylan Shiel to Stephen Cognilio.
It's low hanging fruit as far as the rumour mill is concerned, so why not just go the whole hog and not only draft their coach as well?.
...after all he'll know the entire list...(http://www.theredandblue.com.au/2014/06/19/4692/dees-try-to-sign-gws-list)
3. Nathan Jones
If Jane Austen wrote articles for The Red and Blue (and heaven knows we've asked her enough times), I'd like to think she'd start them in the following way...
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that Nathan Jones in possession of a good football, must be in want of another player half as capable to handball to...''
What Austen is trying to say, we presume, is Nathan Jones can pretty much do anything. So, why not give him the coaching job as well. He pretty much taught the team to play by example through the whole of 2013 anyway.
And if Mick Malthouse tried any harsh words, he'd defend himself a bit better than Cameron Ling did the other week...
4. James Hird and Stephen Dank
Let's reform the Essendon dream team!
(Note from Ed: Paragraph removed for legal reasons)
But, above all, just imagine how high we could get Jeremy Howe to jump!
5. Hulk Hogan
(Note from Ed: If you make the Jesse Hogan/ Hulk Hogan joke one more time, you're fired...)
Since Adam Kennedy and Adam Treloar got giddier in the presence of The Rock than an entire One Direction fanclub after snorting a tube of blue Smarties each, wrestling has been on the mind of The Red and Blue.
So, let's blow GWS out of the water, and instead of buying a modern WWE superstar a mere guernsey, let's get a WWF LEGEND in as coach... Hulk Hogan!
Imagine Jack Watts being taught to body slam his direct opponents.
Imagine Bernie Vince's handlebar moustache...
And, surely the chance to work with his son, Jesse...(That's it. Pack your bags. - Ed)