The Red and Blue has secured an exclusive statement from a secret meeting at the underground Neejurk HQ, where it has been announced defensive football has been outlawed.
The statement reads as follows:
"Footy people, something disastrous occurred on Monday.
At the MCG, a team scored only 3 goals. It is believed this team, who shall remain nameless, were trying to follow a plan known as 'trying to cause an upset.'
This is unacceptable.
For a team to play Collingwood at the MCG - and let's face it, that's the only place anybody plays them since our mate Eddie started doing the fixtures - and to not try to kick 23 goals is not what this game about.
Regardless of whether the game was 'competitive' or that nearly 70,000 showed up, it was a disgrace.
To remedy this, we have decided to place coaching lothario Mark Neeld near this club's training sessions making notes, as a silent yet unsettling reminder of how we expect certain clubs to perform. And also, we have drafted them former Hawthorn player Jason 'One thousand, two hundred and fifty four' Dunstall to stand in the goal square to pose added goalscoring threat.
In addition, some insiders at this club have reported there has been the use of 'tactics' in this club's team meetings.
After checking several Oxford Cambridge Dictionaries, including the children's picture edition, we are still investigating what 'tactics' refers to. We even asked a bloke hanging around the Essendon football club training ground, who said he could definitely sort us out with some.
After disappearing to his 15 year old BMW, the man in a bomber jacket and a baseball cap returned, handing us some unidentifiable tablets from a small plastic box.
The small, refreshingly minty tablets he gave us are now with ASADA for laboratory testing.
The expected completion date for this investigation is somewhere between October and December 2025, or at least until everybody forgets about the whole thing."