In this most boring of bye weeks, where the only consolation for a Perth-residing Demon is that one of the Eagles or Pies had to lose, The Red and Blue has discovered an AFL conspiracy...
Every game, the commentator, whether it's Fox Footy for poshos, Channel 7 for less poshos or Eddie McGuire for the intellectually challenged, declares the winning team will sing their song with 'Gusto.'
Who/What is this 'Gusto' to which they refer? The Red and Blue has the following theories...
1) A diminutive Spanish guitar player, who upon the Iberian sands has learned to play each and every team song in a Flamenco style. He is specially flown in to each winning team's room and paid the 5c pieces for returning the discarded Gatorade bottles strewn by winning players in jubilant celebrations.
(Possible related fact: It is believed Chris Dawes is serving his one game ban for hurling Gusto's half-size guitar onto the roof of the 'G.)
2) Gusto is an underground, possibly illuminati, alternative to Suisse ultra-vitamins. Winning teams, to aid recovery, neck a whole bottle of Gusto's special 'song singing plus' tablets, to help them stay in tune.
The possible downside to this theory is Tom Harley's insistence on selling Suisse EVERY SINGLE AD BREAK WITHOUT FAIL. Was there a falling out between Harley and the secretive Gusto foundation? Or is it all a cover-up?
3) Gusto is the special name for a photo of Dustin Martin's 2013/2014 contract demands carried by a team's nominated runner. There is nothing AFL players find funnier than Martin's belief his semi-permanent tattoo and 'your alcoholic older step-sister's boyfriend' haircut makes him worth $800k a year.
By looking at 'Gusto' the winning team find the extra delight to add the mile-wide smiles and laughter to the photo in tomorrow's papers.
Nothing unites AFL fans like laughing at Dustin Martin.
4) Gusto is a lazy cliche used by tired, jaded, cynical commentators to lead up to an ad break.