Blues beaten by Dees? CRISIS! Crows Lose to Melb? CRISIS! Tigers downed by Demons? CRISIS!
Like a daytime soap opera or a particularly mentally unstable partner, the AFL loves a crisis.
Nothing wets the ink on the back pages quite like the thought of a proud club suddenly declining into debacle.
Every newspaper with a AFL section worth it's pinches of salt has a specialist journalist tasked with dealing with 'the crisis club'. For the special 'turmoil' journalist, 'sticking the knife and twisting' is down to an artform, a reflex reaction to yet another 'disgraceful' performance.
Unsurprisngly, this squadron of demise-merchants have set up camp at Melbourne Demons games, with the 2013 Demons providing fruit so low hanging you'd almost swear you were in a potato field.
But then disaster rocked the world of the 'crisis' journalist, as some bloke called Mr.Roos turned up at the Dees, transforming a squadron of spud-like fruits into a slice of redleg-flavoured humble pie, served up against the Blues, Crows and Tigers.
In the reaction to these wins, it was soon realised if there is one thing a crisis journalist hates more than the taste of redleg pie, it's rewriting his crisis story template. Instead, via some indiscriminate cutting-and-pasting, each team the Demons have beaten have been immediately branded as 'the crisis club'.
Nickname: Malthouse's Malteasers
Result vs. Dees: Loss by 23
Club described as: 'Disgrace'
Next two results: Beat Doggies and West Coast
Club: Adelaide Crows
Nickname: Tex and Danger's Stripey Funhouse
Result vs. Dees: Loss by 3
Club described as: 'In turmoil'
Next result: Beat Collingwood by 21
Club: Richmond Tigers
Nickname: 'Not Hawthorn, the other one'
Result vs. Dees: Loss by 17
Club described as: 'Season is over'
Next Result: Beat GWS by 23.24 points. (Computer-generated scoreline.)
Is it a case of if your beaten by the traditional whipping club you must be in crisis?
So, if the Demons beat Port or the Pies, will their seasons be over?
Is the continual need for an ever-changing AFL 'crisis' club evidence of AFL journo's having trouble at home?